One has to wonder if Ryan Mallett’s agent has done anything of any consequence since the former Razorback quarterback signed with him. Ryan Mallett has fallen victim to a smear campaign that has now surpassed Warren Sapp’s as he was preparing for his draft day in 1995. Every single time it appears that Ryan Mallett’s stock starts to rise, Mr. Anonymous Source emerges with another sack of bones for the media to gnaw on. Mallett’s agent has been quiet for the most part, publicly denouncing only the most recent falsehood of Mallett partying in Charlotte and consequently missing a morning meeting with the Panthers.

It’s probably too late, but here are five easy steps that Ryan Mallett could have taken (satirically speaking of course) that would have made him the top pick in the NFL draft.

1. Ryan Mallett should start talking more “white,” whatever that means. Everyone knows that white people can’t be successful when they talk like Eminem. That’s common knowledge. I bet if you ask Eminem, he’ll tell you the same. His voice might be muffled over the 13 Grammy Awards, his Oscar, his Golden Globe Award, and all of his platinum albums- that would be every single album that Eminem has released- but he might agree. In reality, the people that blast Mallett for his dialect are actually bigots that are really insulting blacks indirectly by insulting Mallett.

2. Ryan Mallett should really stop hanging out with “Anonymous Source.” I’ve tried to look him up in the phone book, but the gutless coward is unlisted. If I was Mallett’s agent, I would make sure everyone around him had a nametag on their person at all times.

3. Ryan Mallett should not have said “The legend of Ryan Mallett.” He should work to change his nickname to, “Tebow’s biggest fan.” Clearly, ESPN would beg to differ, but at least they would instantly have a connection with Mallett. Anyone who praises Lord Tebow is worthy of admiration and praise by the four-letter network. This might even catapult Mallett to the top of the ESPN big boards.

4. Ryan Mallett should have toned down the statistics a little bit. I’m guessing that this “sense of entitlement” issue stems from his ridiculous numbers as a Razorback. Obviously, his selfishness resulted in the statistics that put Blaine Gabbert’s and Jake Locker’s to shame, despite playing in a superior league and against superior defenses. Mallett should have intentionally thrown fewer touchdown passes. His 3.3 TD to INT ratio was without question a selfish attempt to distance himself from Gabbert’s 1.8 TD to INT ratio his last year at Missouri. Mallett was only thinking of himself when he completed 64.7% of his passes last year as Jake Locker only completed 55.4%. Worst of all, Ryan Mallett, in his selfishness, posted a 164 passer rating. How dare he distance himself from Gabbert (127) and Locker (124) in such a dominating fashion?

5. Ryan Mallett should have stolen a laptop and had three allegations of academic fraud awaiting him at a major university. There are no real character concerns with that type of past. Enough said on that one, I think.