A Draft Odyssey

Enjoying the pitfalls of endless litigation and ‘twitter bombs’ being lobbed around the NFL like spit balls in study hall? It’s always nice being reminded that, at its core, this “game” we grew up idealizing as a measure of man’s will is really just another oversized American corporation, comprised of a largely faceless workforce that rakes in wheelbarrows of gold just to play a kids’ game on TV. Also apparent is that this corporation we all love is comprised of individual owners who expect you to consider yourself lucky they chose your city to hold hostage, so lucky in fact, that most of us fit the bill for the stadium that costs a mortgage payment to bring the family to on Sunday.

With all of the fun we could have pulling back the curtains of our fandom, I think it’s a good time to reminisce on better days recently gone by. The last decade of football will likely be remembered as one of the most progressive in the NFL’s existence. In the 2000s  alone, most of us were introduced to High-Def home entertainment, 24/hour news coverage, blogs, online gambling, fantasy football, social networking & last but not least HGH. Each of these aspects helped advance the popularity of the league in one way or another, especially by helping the average fan become more connected and more knowledgeable than ever before. With this ‘everyfan’ knowledge in mind I intend to create a force to be reckoned with.

Today I will attempt to create an all-decade, perhaps all-time offense derived only of first round draft picks from each year since 2000 (2000-2010). I will briefly break down what I find interesting about each year’s draft class and select a single player from each round to build my juggernaut. I’m aware that this seems pointless, but follow me down this rabbit hole and you might be surprised at what we come up with.

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The following rules are in in place for this challenge:

  • I have to draft one and only one player from each year (totaling 11).

  • I have to fill all eleven slots of the offense in these predetermined increments: (1)QB, (1)RB, (3)WR, (2)TE, 4(Lineman) - Typical “Two Tight End set”, one of the league’s most common offensive formations over the last decade.

  • I am building this team to start winning today. That means I didn’t win a Super Bowl in 2006 with this team, nor am I “building” to start winning 4-5 years from now. I am going to build an offense to win it all in the hypothetical 2011 season.

  • These players are being considered in a vacuum. No overanalyzing things like “Well it depends on what offense you run.” No salary cap implications.

  • Though I’ll pick these players from drafts years ago, I’ll get them at their current age and point in their career. This is not an “in their prime” situation. For instance, if with my 2000 pick, I chose Jamal Lewis, I’d be an idiot. Why? Because I’m not winning a Super Bowl with a 30-year-old starting running back whose legs are as worn-out as Charlie Sheen’s lungs. There, got that joke out of the way. Also, Lewis looks to have retired in 2009, which brings us to…

  • The player must be likely to play on an active roster in 2011.

  • Finally, the most important things to consider are the player’s productivity, health history, and where they are currently in their career. Though I am building to win this year, I wouldn’t mind winning the next few after that while I’m at it.

STILL WITH ME? Following these simple rules, I have devised my roster. Introducing my First Round Offense of The Aughts! Let’s get started.

2000-

Notables: Bare in mind that of the seventeen offensive players taken in the first round of the 2000 draft, only THREE are unretired & likely eligible for a 2011 roster. Ready for this? Thomas Jones (RB), Chad Pennington (QB) and…wait for it… Plaxico Burress. An embarrassment of riches I have to choose from.

Quick Stat: Taking advantage of our largest sample size of this experiment (11 years) I found that the seventeen offensive players selected that year have averaged (through 2010 season) a 4.76 year career as a starter in the NFL. What I found most interesting was that of the fourteen defensive players taken, five are still active and the class has averaged 6.21 years as starters through last year. Perhaps if this was expanded we could find whether defensive players typically have more longevity than offensive. We’ll check one more year to see if the theory holds water.

Pick: With my first pick, controversial as it may be; is there any option better than **Plaxico Burress **(WR)? Even having recently shot hole in his own leg, he will be eligible to play in 2011. You have to factor in that he hasn’t put any miles on those legs since 2008, and never forget, you cannot teach a man to be 6’5. I’ll take that at age 33 any day of the week. Also, keep in mind that they often cut holes in infantry knives to make them lighter and slash faster. Perhaps the same physics apply to over-the-hill wide receivers as well?

2001-

Notables** **: Pretty good class here. We’re working with Michael Vick (QB) LaDainian Tomlinson (RB), & Reggie Wayne (WR) to name a few star candidates.

Counter Stat: Bringing equilibrium to my previous theory, offensive players this year have started an average of 6.13 years in the league compared to the 6.19 defensive players averaged. What’s most surprising is that eighteen players from this year’s first round are still presumed active for 2011, including five players still consistently filling up fantasy football rosters. Impressive class.

Pick: With all of these thoroughbreds at the skilled positions, I’m going to surprise you and draft my first ‘Big Ugly’. Why? I need younger legs carrying my balls (zing!) and a veteran big ugly anchoring the line is never a bad move. With my second pick, I’m going with three-time Pro-Bowler Leonard Davis (G). Boom! You gotta buy plates before you buy steak knives, everybody knows that.

2002-

Notables: Whoa… Ugly year offensively. The first round standouts being Donte Stallworth (WR), Jeremy Shockey (TE) and Javon Walker (WR). Really?

Serious Stat: There were only three quarterbacks taken in the first round this year. Proving this was one of the worst offensive rounds of the decade, here are some of their combined career stats as regular season starters: *Combined Career Win/Loss Record: 59-120 (33% of games won), Combined Career Completion %: 57.3%, Total Career TD Passes: 179, Playoff games played: ZERO. *Their names? David Carr, Joey Harrington & Patrick Ramsey. Read those names again and try not to look like you just swallowed a fart. Impossible.

Pick: Ok, we’re off to a roster that has as much ‘sex appeal’ as The Ellen DeGeneres Show. In my experience, I find that life’s greatest lessons are often best expressed on the front of a clever t-shirt. Hands down the most enlightening t-shirt I’ve ever come across read “I go ugly early!” Great motto at a bar* and* when building a football team. Drum roll please……. With my third pick, I select Bryant McKinnie (OT). He’s big, he’s still playing, and this round needs to be over with. Next please.

2003-

Notables** **: Carson Palmer (QB), Andre Johnson (WR) and Dallas Clark (TE). Now we’re getting somewhere.

Made-up Stat: The QB’s drafted in 2003 have two less sexual assault charges pending than 2004’s class. Too Soon? Congrats to Big Ben on his engagement, by the way.

Pick: Full disclosure? I bleed BLUE. I also happen to consider D. Clark to be one of the most genuinely good guys to ever dawn the horseshoe, next to Jeff Saturday AB (After Baltimore). However, when I spend 3,000+ words expanding a hypothetical scenario with precise rules and my own self-imposed logic, I can’t disservice the project with my own biases. I can’t pick D. Clark for two reasons. One: his abrupt and very mysterious, never quite explained, season ending injury last year that leaves plenty of concern for his future. Two: the unfortunate fact that if he’s diagnosed with 1.5 more concussions he might as well receive a restraining order from the league. The betrayal of one of my favorite all- time Colts is a heavy burden to carry, but we only get one Andre 3000 a decade, and in this decade, I’m moving the chains all day with **Andre Johnson **(WR). Did you see A.J. land those haymakers on the league’s most notorious Napoleon complex last year?! Rumor has it that Cortland Finnegan couldn’t sleep without a rape whistle for months after that fight.

2004-

Notables: The top eleven picks included the likes of Eli Manning (QB), Larry Fitzgerald (WR), Phillip Rivers (QB) & Big Benjamin Roethlisberger (QB). Loaded!

Contrast Stat: Remember the 2002 stats of the QBs taken in the first round? What a difference two years makes! The above three QBs combined career stats as regular season starters through 2010: *Combined Career Win/Loss Record: 156-81 (66% of regular season games won), Combined Career Completion %: 61.6%, Total Career TD Passes: 436, Playoff Win/Loss Record: 15-9. Not to mention that *between the three of them, they have as many rings, as your neighborhood circus.

Pick: Got to go QB with those stats right? Wrong again. Though you could talk me into two of these guys, I have my eye on a future year’s QB. So that leaves us with The Black Irishman himself. Fitzy! **Larry Fitzgerald **(WR) ladies and gentlemen! A thirteen-year-old boy is more likely to take a quick shower than Fitzy is to drop a pass (HEEYO!). Ok, if you’re keeping score at home, you’ve noticed my wide receiver block is now full. I’ve got so many large black athletes flanking the sidelines that the very first set of season tickets has already been preordered by ‘The Kardashian Family Trust’. ZOOPA! Ok I’ll bring it down a notch.

2005-

Notables: Cedric Benson (RB), Braylon Edwards (WR) & Roddy White (WR). Luckily I’m full at wide receiver, because Braylon Edwards has had more balls bounce off of his hands than a retired fluffer! Ok, now I’ll take it down a notch.

Jab Stat: The worst pick of the 2005 first round? You may be thinking Alex Smith but not so fast. I would go with David Pollack (LB) who was the 17th pick overall by none other than your Cincinnati Bengals. Pollack was active for sixteen games in his entire career and started in just six of them. His total career tackles: 23. I don’t know that you can call him a “bust” because he had a pretty serious spinal injury in 2006 (no paralysis), but he has turned out to be a pretty regrettable pick. If you need evidence as to why the owners are fighting for a rookie wage scale in this lockout, know that the Cincinnati Bengals reportedly ended up paying Mr. Pollack $323,848, per career tackle. FYI: former Colts safety Bob Sander’s (aka Peanut Brittle, aka The Little Engine That Couldn’t) cost per tackle ratio was somewhere around $171,233 per tackle. Not a very cost efficient draft choice either, not by a long shot.

Pick: The easiest pick so far. I’ve been waiting to consummate this man-crush ever since I first devised this pointless conquest. The man with the freshest ring on the block, locking down the QB position for a decade to come, I select, Mr. **Aaron Rodgers **(QB).

2006-

Notables: The only draft class on record where the top pick actually took a pay cut by going pro (ba-dum-bum!). Reggie Bush, Matt Lienhart, & Vince Young ladies and gentlemen. Now, for the notables that are still relevant today: Jay Cutler (QB), Vernon Davis (TE) & the Sammy Hagar to Edgerrin’s David Lee Roth… Joseph Addai (RB).

Retrospective:  Let’s take a look at this class, which was undoubtedly one of the most star-packed rounds of the decade. Three of the biggest stars ever to play college football and not one of them has made much of an impact in the league. Go figure.

Vince Young has had some odd occurrences as a pro and has at times been alienated by his team.  Last year he drove the most tenured coach in the NFL, Jeff Fisher, to give the Tennessee Titans the “him or me” ultimatum. They chose neither, let go of Young and bought out the remaining year on Fisher’s contract.. Currently, to my knowledge, VY is currently a nomad in the league while waiting for a new collective bargaining agreement to be reached.

Matt Lienhart is currently more likely to star on the next season of The Bachelor than to start another game under center in the NFL. His memorably explosive college teammate was lucky enough to get drafted to a team with a veteran all pro quarterback (Drew Brees) and an offensively creative young head coach (Sean Payton). Though he does have a ring, he hasn’t played a full season since his first year in the NFL, and he’s only averaged 70.5 yards from scrimmage per game. Less than half of those yards coming from running the ball. The 2nd overall pick of the 2006 draft, aka ‘The best decoy money can buy’, Reggie Bush. Who I also just realized, by the way, is the first player I’ve drafted so far that is younger than me………………… I may be in a funk now for the rest of this piece.

Pick: I’m still without any tight ends, so that leaves me with the meanest case of V.D. this league has seen since Romo broke up with Jessica Simpson: **Vernon Davis **(TE) “Click Clack”.

2007-

Notables: Calvin Johnson (WR), Adrian Peterson (RB) & Marshawn Lynch (RB)

Tidbit: Perhaps I spoke too soon when calling 2002 the worst QB draft of the decade. Do you realize that not a single one of the quarterbacks taken in the entire 2007 draft is expected to start for a team in 2011, except for maybe Troy Smith (who was taken in the 5th round with the 174th pick)? Currently leading the pack in expectations is Michael Vick’s backup, 2nd round pick Kevin Kolb. Want a recap of the first round QB’s in 2007? Don’t worry, it’s a short list: JaMarcus Russell and Brady Quinn. That’s the list…

I don’t think it’s fair to judge them on their stats just a few years into their careers but Quinn is well on his way to being a career backup and Russell will be lucky if he ever sees the turf on an NFL field again as he is widely regarded as the biggest “bust” in the history of the NFL. Now that’s a bad class.

One other thing that comes to mind when looking at this draft class: is Bill Polian slipping? The man with the Midas touch in the Colts’ front office has had some stinkers lately in the first round. Notably, in 2007 he took Anthony Gonzalez (WR) who has played in just three games since 2008. Want to know what wide receivers were still available when Gonzalez was picked? Of course you do. Sidney Rice (MIN), Steve Smith (NYG) & Mike Sims-Walker (JAX). Ugh…

Pick: Time to solidify the running back position for years to come. His initials are A.P… thus his nickname “A.D.” (All Day) leads the pack for most confusing nicknames of the decade. He’s taken the league by storm averaging nearly 100 yards a game through his career. A career I may add, that has already had him receiving handoffs from three different quarterbacks, the most infamous among them being the little gunslinger himself, Brett Favre. I’m going with Adrian Peterson (RB).

2008-

Notables: The only other RB that can sniff Peterson’s jock, Chris Johnson (RB) followed by a pair of pretty promising young QB’s, Matty “Ice” Ryan & Joe Flacco.

Rant: The Ravens’ first two picks of the 2008 draft were Joe Flacco (QB) & Ray Rice (RB). The Colts’ first two picks? Mike Pollak (T) & Philip Wheeler (LB). It’s early in their careers and their positions obviously aren’t as glamorous as QB & RB but… we may be getting close to “ice float” time for Bill Polian. On the other hand, he doesn’t exactly get the pick of the litter these days with the Colts usually picking in the last six slots. Also, I do give him credit for finding an overachieving Pierre Garcon with the 205th pick of the draft (6th round). Okay I take it all back; I can live with Polian for a while longer, or at least until he gets exposed in a dong photo scandal.

Pick: I’d like to go Jake Long (T) here but the tight-end position is very thin from here on out. So I will complete the hands team with my fellow Hoosier and respected graduate of Purdue University, Dustin Keller (TE). Keller led the New York Jets in receptions last year, so there’s also that.

2009-

Notables: Three young talented QB’s drafted in reverse order of durability, Matt Stafford, Mark Sanchez & Josh Freeman. The jury is still out on all three of them but Sanchez so far is enjoying the most success, leading the NY Jets to the AFC Championship in both of his first two years with a defense-oriented team.

Short-Stat: It’s likely too small of a sample size to judge a player on his stats just two years into his career, but for my money, the best value pick in this entire draft (offensively) was Mike Wallace (WR).  Wallace was taken towards the end of the 3rd round by the Steelers. In his rookie year, Wallace led the entire NFL in Yards Per Reception with 19.4. He then seemingly avoided a sophomore slump last year with 1,257 yards receiving (third most in the AFC) and 10 touchdowns. Not shabby for a guy averaging just $580K a year (thru 2011).

Pick: (DJ Voice) “This one goes out to the ladies!” With my 10th pick, I’ve got to protect The Blind Side, with none other than, Michael Oher (T). After all, if any ladies are still reading this, I’ve got to give them some payoff right?

2010-

Notables: With just one season under their belt it’s hard to say who’s had the most success or looks the most promising from 2010. However, if T.O. was truly The Original Recipe, Ochocinco is surely Extra Crispy, and the odds on favorite to become the definitive Double Stack, is Dallas’s Dez Bryant (WR). My advice for Bryant? Keep your pants up son, trilogies are rarely welcomed. Other notables include Sam Bradford (QB) and the Ryan Mathews (RB).

One more for the ‘robe’: He slings briefs on TV, gospel on the streets and footballs on the… sidelines. The media, the league and myself couldn’t want a player to succeed more than this guy. He keeps his hopes high, his halo (get it? “hay-low”), and his release sideways; he’s none other than Tim Tebow. As of now, his is the most memorable storyline of the 2010 draft.

Final Pick: Nothing too exciting here for the finale, just need a big butt for A-Rod to put his hands under. Rounding out the big-uglies for my All Decade (+1) First Round Offense is……………………. Maurkice Pouncey (Center).

Before we recap the final roster, let’s go over what we’ve learned.

-Sometimes it’s fun to look back as apposed to forward.

-Gun shot wounds can be an advantage.

-You may consider nudging your child towards defense instead of offense for longevities’ sake. Or golf for that matter.

-2002 was not a great year for incoming QBs, but 2007 is likely to be considered even worse.

-Thirteen-year-old boys take notoriously long showers.

-The owners may have a point with wanting a rookie wage scale.

  • Neither of the definitive teams of the decade, the Colts or the Pats, have a single player on my roster, which means they either didn’t draft well in the 2000s or, more likely, they were handicapped by very late first round picks.

And finally, if you take only one thing away from my decade retrospective, it’s this: If your goal is to be successful, “Go Ugly Early” & never fear going ugly again late.

Final Roster:

QB: Aaron Rodgers

RB: Adrian Peterson

TE: Vernon Davis

TE: Dustin Keller

WR: Andre Johnson

WR: Larry Fitzgerald

WR: Plaxico Burress

OL: Leonard Davis

OL: Bryant McKinnie

OL: Michael Oher

OL: Maurkice Pouncey

Do you think you could build a better roster following these guidelines? Russell Puntenney not only takes the challenge, but says he can do it using only players taken in rounds 2-5. So make sure to keep an eye out for his attempt coming in the next day or so.