The NFL Draft is a great way for bad teams to get better, but it kind of defeats the purpose when even the best teams usually benefit from it too.  Isn’t there another way we could even the playing field every year, then, one that wouldn’t necessarily give the Lions another whole summer’s worth of false hope or help stack the deck a little further in Bill Belichick’s favor every spring? Of course there is, and trust me, this version would definitely draw much higher TV ratings than the existing one, assuming we ever grew twisted enough to give it a shot.

The Anti-Draft would accomplish the same goal as the regular draft currently does, it would just take the exact opposite approach toward achieving it:  instead of bad teams picking good players to add to their teams, it would divvy up bad players among good teams and force them to add those duds to their rosters instead.  It doesn’t necessarily even have to replace the normal draft either, it could just be some real quick afterthought we spontaneously hold one random summer night somewhere around this time of year, just another little something to help fill the gap between the real draft and training camp now that we don’t have Brett Favre’s patented will-he or won’t-he routine to fall back on anymore, and although the good teams would still bolster their squads with their normal draft selections like usual, the Anti-Draft would help to offset at least some of those additions by forcing the league’s top teams to also add guys that, if everything goes according to plan, won’t be of any help to them whatsoever.

Here’s how it would work:

  • Each of the 12 Playoff teams would be ranked according to how far they advanced in the previous post-season, with the Super Bowl Champions ranked first and the Wild Card round losers with the worst regular season record ranked last.  Regular season record decides all tiebreakers.

  • When each team’s turn commences, rather than select a player they’ll instead just sit idly by while the other non-Playoff teams collectively decide their fate.  The 20 sore losers then have 10 minutes to conspire on what one horrible player they want that Playoff team to have, and once a consensus is reached the team in question then has to immediately sign the chosen player to a one-year deal for the player’s minimum salary.  The team cannot trade or cut that player for the duration of his contract and he has to make at least one appearance in every game of the following regular season as long as he’s healthy and willing to do so.  That ought to teach those lousy overachievers a little good old-fashioned humbleness, now won’t it?

  • Finally, for a player to be eligible for the Anti-Draft he must be active, he must have finished the previous season on a roster, and he cannot already be on the team to which he’s drafted.  Barring those restrictions, however, anything goes, and in this bizzaro version of the sport’s most inspiring event, the crazier the pick the better.

So just what would this year’s Anti-Draft look like, you ask?

It goes a little something like this:

**1.  **Terrell Owens, WR

Team:  Green Bay Packers

Basis:  When the rest of the league looks at the reigning champs, they see plenty of strengths and annoyingly few glaring weaknesses.  Bummer.  Rather than target any specific position then, the losers instead decide to try and attack the Pack from a different angle: from within.  And what better way to do that, of course, than by dishing one of the league’s most stable organizations the original locker room cancer himself, Toxic Terrell Owens.  Once an unstoppable offensive powerhouse, today’s T.O. is a mere shadow of the loud-mouthed diva’s formerly dominant self, and even after a surprisingly productive 2010 campaign in which he still scored nine touchdowns and very nearly passed the 1,000 receiving yard mark for the tenth time in his memorable career, at age 37 the guy is now becoming less relevant by the second.  So why not ship the league’s most notorious franchise-destroyer off to Lambeau, then, and see what happens?  Given the star’s disastrous history with quarterback teammates, after all, plus the fact that Green Bay is already stacked at wide receiver, doesn’t really have room for another big name, and needs to keep star Aaron Rodgers happy and healthy in order to succeed, all the pieces are already in place for just the kind of epic meltdown a tantrum-throwing, name-calling little brat like Terrell Owens has made a whole career out of instigating.  Just like the old saying goes:  if you can’t beat ‘em, disjoin ‘em.

**2.  **Albert Haynesworth, DT

Team:  Pittsburgh Steelers

Basis:  If there’s been one constant in the NFL since the 1970 merger, and you had to leave out beer commercials, useless statistics, and countless Sunday afternoons wasted just staring at a TV screen like a zombie, it’d be hard to argue against the Pittsburgh Steelers’ defense, which has produced the league’s Defensive Player of the Year a record seven times over the last four decades, including the reigning recipient of the award, safety Troy Polamalu, and which just this past February completed one of their most dominant regular seasons in franchise history, a bruising campaign that saw them hold opponents to only 14.5 points per game and set the ominous tone for yet another Super Bowl appearance.  Their unit is fast, hungry, and seemingly omnipresent, and even though it features many standout athletes teeming with natural playmaking ability, its cornerstone has always been hard work, effort, and determination, particularly as personified by linebacker James Harrison, a menacing midfield presence whose perseverance took him all the way from an undrafted prospect in 2002 to the Defensive Player of the Year in 2008.  Enter Albert Haynesworth.  Although somewhat hesitant to send the Steel Curtain a gap-clogging behemoth of his size, the rest of the league is fully convinced that Haynesworth is just the kind of unmotivated crybaby Pittsburgh wants nothing to do with, and with so much responsibility riding on every player in their scheme, after all, who knows what could happen if the Steelers had to plug in a sourpuss with mobility as limited as old Fat Albert, even for one measly play?  Will the $100 Million Manchild give up the big one in an important game?  Could he influence some of his more driven teammates to adopt the same poor work ethic he loves to embrace?  Could even the mighty Steelers defense collapse on account of his unruly antics?  Nobody knows, but with at least 20 other pro teams out there who would love to find out, this pick gets made in no time flat.  Take that, Steeler Nation.

3.  Cornell Green, OT

Team:  Chicago Bears

Basis:  The Bears beat the Jets head-to-head during the regular season last year, so even though both teams reached their respective conference championships and had the same regular season record, Chicago wins the tiebreaker and enters the Anti-Draft with a slightly higher seed.  Too bad for them, however, because all the teams at the bottom of the NFL barrel know exactly what to do with the Windy City warriors and therefore stick them with lackluster offensive lineman Cornell Green in a heartbeat.  The biggest problem the Bears faced last season was in protecting their franchise quarterback, you see, and although they did try and address this dilemma by taking tackle Gabe Carimi in the first round of last month’s draft, the other teams can rest a little easy now that they know the nomadic Green will also have to contribute for the Bears in at least some capacity every single game for all of next year.  Here’s the thing about Green:  if the guy were really worth a damn then one of the seven teams who’ve enlisted his services over the last twelve years probably would’ve held on to him for more than three consecutive seasons, which not a single one of them has.  Plus, he’ll enter 2011 at the tender age of 35, over the last four years his teams have given up on average five more sacks and 11 more penalties than the 2010 league average, and even though he did win a title with Tampa Bay in 2002, a 2009 domestic violence incident confirms he is just the kind of excess fat that every elite team just loves to trim from their ranks every single off-season.  That unfortunately won’t be the case for Chicago this time around, however, and as soon as that reality sinks in, all the Bears fans in attendance sigh in unison, and rightfully so:  Chicago suffered 56 sacks last season, after all, most in the NFL, and the last thing an offensive line that unstable needs is a veteran journeyman like Cornell Green to come in and screw things up even worse.  Accordingly, then, that’s exactly the situation the rest of the league decides to try and implement here with the third overall Anti-Draft pick.

**4.  **Adam “Pacman”Jones, CB

Team:  New York Jets

Basis:  Whether by design or not, at this point the entire Jets team is basically built around one standout player:  cornerback Darrelle Revis, a four-year veteran who’s been named to two consecutive All-Pro teams and who seems to be fully capable of containing any wide receiver playing the game today.  And you know what?  With two consecutive AFC Championship Game appearances now to their credit, the strategy seems to be working, especially considering their last Playoff run included wins over two of the very best quarterbacks in the entire league, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady.  Well isn’t that special.  Knowing just how much Rex Ryan’s minions rely on Revis to create the kind of slow-paced, run-oriented environment in which they thrive, then, the rest of the league agrees the best way to burn New York is to deal them a subpar sub for the superstar, and when you happen to have one available who’s also known for stirring up trouble and alienating any franchise willing to take him, well, then you’ve got yourself one easy decision to make, my friend.  Pacman Jones is such a lost cause even Lindsay Lohan is starting to worry about him.  He’s shooting up night clubs, raising ruckus everywhere he goes, staying out all hours of the night, and just this past season he even suffered a serious neck injury on top of everything else, a turn that makes him an even riskier defensive prospect than he already was.  Perfect.  Even if he does somehow rebound from that injury, get his life back together, and return to the level of play that made the guy somewhat relevant in the first place, however, at his very best he’s still no Darrelle Revis, so this pick is just win-win all around for everyone involved.  Except the Jets, of course.

5.  Matt Dodge, P

Team:  New England Patriots

Basis: The Bill Belichick era has so far produced three Super Bowl victories for New England, and most of its success has been attributed to the coach himself, who prides himself on fielding smart, even-tempered players who react to real-time game situations the same way he would.  Now punter Matt Dodge is only 23 years old, he’s only played one season so far, and at this point in his young career there’s no sense even trying to make any sort of judgment call as to what kind of player he’s going to be.  Let’s just get that straight right now.  And overall, as a matter of fact, last season was actually terrific for the rookie, as he averaged 44.8 yards per punt, ninth highest in the league, and landed over 27% of those punts inside his opponent’s 20-yard line, which wouldn’t sound too shabby for even an established veteran.  All that being said, however, the one play for which Dodge is now and may forever be known, an ill-advised punt against the Eagles last December that should’ve gone out of bounds but instead was returned for a game-changing touchdown by DeSean Jackson in arguably the Giants’ most important game all last season, is just the kind of bone-headed gaffe that Belichick has made very clear he has no tolerance for in his straight-shootin’, no-nonsense organization.  All it could take is one more absent-minded play like that from Dodge to derail one of Bill the mastermind’s whole game plans one Sunday, after all, and with sixteen potential chances for another catastrophic mishap like that to indeed take place, the other teams all agree it’s a gamble they’re willing to take.  So suck on that for a while, Mr. “My Team’s Better Than Yours Because I Always Have a Disciplined, Strategic Game Plan To Rely On!”

**6.  **Donte’ Stallworth, WR

**Team:  **Atlanta Falcons

Basis:  So Hotlanta thinks they’re hot stuff now that they have a flashy new wide receiver to go with their star quarterback and their star running back and their star tight end and their other star receiver, huh?  We’ll show them.  Or I guess we’ll try to, at least.  I mean that is a pretty intimidating lineup they’ve got there actually, there’s no denying that.  At any rate, however, that offense definitely won’t look so pretty soon as the rest of the league tosses Donte Stallworth into the mix, an eight-year veteran known more for killing people than catching passes who’s already played for five different teams, who’s never made a Pro Bowl, and who’s never scored more than seven touchdowns in a single season.  Plus, as an added bonus, this year Stallworth will be coming off yet another lost season, though this one was self-inflicted and not as punishment for getting drunk and accidently running over a man like his last one, it should be noted, after breaking his foot in the preseason and going on to record only two catches and one fumble in eight game appearances with the Ravens.  Say what you will about Stallworth as a person, then, but Roddy White the guy definitely is not.  Coincidentally enough, ironically, that’s exactly who the rest of the league decides they’d like to see him substitute for next season, however, and you know what?  The Ravens?  Not too concerned about the whole thing, believe it or not.  They’re actually taking it in stride.

7.  Graham Gano, K

Team:  Baltimore Ravens

Basis:  For defensively-oriented teams like the Ravens, the kicking game is always a crucial component for success.  Just this past season, for example, Baltimore played in ten games decided by six points or less, and considering they won seven of those contests it’d be awfully tough to downplay the significance of a special teams unit that made 26 of 29 field goals and 39 of 39 extra point attempts throughout the season.  That being the case, then, there’s little doubt the dirty birds would have a tough time reaching 12 wins again next season if they had a less accurate placekicker lining up for them, and, accordingly, that’s precisely what the NFL losers hope to accomplish by sending Gano their way.  Gano already had a short stint with Baltimore, as a matter of fact, when they signed him as a free agent in 2009 but cut him before the season began, so it’s clear the Ravens don’t want the guy, always a great scenario for an Anti-Draft pick, and after the abysmal performance the young kicker had last season with Washington in which he missed 11 of 35 total kicks including five from less than 40 yards away, this is about as safe a pick as the other teams could possibly convene on.  Even so, rest assured that no teams pushed harder for this move than those in the NFL South, however, who went a combined 1-3 against Baltimore last season and saw the squad hit seven of seven field goals in the process.  Let’s see them try and match that feat behind Goalpost Graham’s trusty boot next season, suckers!

8.  Randy Moss, WR

Team:  Seattle Seahawks

Basis:  After the longest deliberation period of the Anti-Draft so far, the NFL underclass decides to make its riskiest selection yet and awards Seattle the most unpredictable All-Pro in NFL history, Randy Moss.  It is a gamble considering the wideout’s unbelievable and undeniable talents, even at this stage in his tumultuous career, everyone knows that, but it’s also a gamble the rest of the league decides they’re willing to take, and for basically the same reason they dealt T.O. to Green Bay:  wherever Moss lands, the story usually ends badly.  When paired with an adequate quarterback, Moss often transforms into the most unstoppable offensive weapon the game has ever seen.  When he doesn’t have an elite arm throwing to him, however, whether intentionally or not, the star becomes a complete non-factor so useless he often doesn’t appear to even know what play his team is running.  The difference is absolutely remarkable, and with the dismal quarterback situation they’ve got brewing up there in Raintown USA right now, there’s no reason to think the Randy Moss that shows up come game day will be the same one who caught only six passes for 80 yards last season in eight games with the Titans.  Seattle seems satisfied to make the most of the situation, but chances are they’re just in denial, as seven years ago they tried the same exact thing with a washed up Jerry Rice, voluntarily, mind you, and the outcome was anything but desirable:  in 11 game appearances with the Seahawks, the greatest receiver in NFL history racked up just 362 lousy yards, a figure the legend once eclipsed in just a two-game span back in 1995, during his heyday.  Yikes!

9.  Curtis Painter, QB

Team:  New Orleans Saints

Basis:  The New Orleans Saints live and die on the arm of Drew Brees, a common situation for teams with top-level quarterbacks these days, and while Brees has been among the most durable gunslingers in the league for most of his career, the possibility of seeing his high-powered offense be operated by a complete scrub is just too tempting for the rest of the league to pass up.  So they decide to send New Orleans Painter, then, a third-year backup who shares Brees’s alma mater, coincidentally, but conveniently shares very little else with the former Super Bowl MVP, or with too many other professional athletes either, for that matter, and as soon as Painter’s name is read, a shutter spreads throughout the Big Easy so fast and suddenly that residents start fleeing for higher ground just out of habit.  First Katrina, now this?  Now Curtis Painter might not qualify as a natural disaster by conventional standards, but if you’ve ever seen the guy try to lead an NFL offense you can surely spot some similarities.  The cringing faces.  Crying children.  A universal sense of loss.  Curtis Painter’s got it all, and just knowing he’ll be the one on deck in case something should ever happen to Drew Brees is all the motivation the NFL losers need for this deal to go down.  Painter’s only big league action so far has come in relief of another big name quarterback, after all, the Colts’ Peyton Manning, and to call his efforts in those appearances disappointing is like calling Donald Trump outspoken:  altogether Painter has thrown just eight completions out of 28 pass attempts, he’s been sacked three times and he has two interceptions to go along with not a single touchdown.  In short, he’s just the man for the job, whenever the job happens to be trying to turn a potential Super Bowl contender into a winless, non-threatening afterthought, that is, and everyone but the Saints is delighted to sign him up for it.

10.  Donovan McNabb, QB

Team:  Philadelphia Eagles

Basis:  Eagles fans are awfully proud of the intimidating reputation they’ve built for themselves over the years, and whether that depiction is accurate or not is something other teams have no real desire to find out.  That being the case, then, it’s somewhat surprising the lower ranks agree on a burn of this magnitude for the folks in Philadelphia, but when the stakes are this high, no move is too risky to undertake, and all options are always on the table.  Once the most popular non-food item in all of Philly, Donovan McNabb’s relationship with the Eagles deteriorated in 2009 and ended on ugly terms.  The quarterback was probably bitter that the only team he’d ever played for didn’t want him anymore, despite leading them to five NFC Championships and a Super Bowl berth during 11 successful seasons with the team, and the Eagles probably felt that it was just time to move on, considering all the aforementioned opportunities to win it all that McNabb just never could quite capitalize on.  Hey, these things happen.  Considering those very public and irreconcilable differences, then, plus the fact that Philly is already swimming with capable quarterbacks these days, the rest of the NFL immediately recognizes that this is a very unique scenario where no other player in the whole wide world would could possibly damage this specific team any more than this specific player, so after limited deliberation it actually becomes a very easy decision to make.  And what about all those menacing Eagles fans everyone was initially so hesitant to cross with such a personal Anti-Draft selection, you ask?  Some appear pretty riled up about it, sure, but overall the mood is actually pretty relaxed, believe it or not:  the vindictive bastards must still be tickled over reliving the whole Matt Dodge incident earlier on.  Go figure.

11.  Bob Sanders, S

Team:  Indianapolis Colts

Basis:  McNabb back to Philly was an amusing little jab that even Eagles fans didn’t seem to mind.  This pick, however, now this is just plain cold.  Bob Sanders wouldn’t even be technically eligible to send back to Indianapolis had the team not completely given up on the best player to ever ride their bench just last February, and as hard as that decision must have been to make, considering the oft-injured safety’s immeasurable talent and obvious potential, the fact that he’ll be coming home before he ever really even left just has to sting Colts fans to the core.  Sanders has already frustrated the Indianapolis fan base so much they all but demanded the team get rid of the former Defensive Player of the Year after last season ended even though they recognize just as much as anyone just how dominant the muscle-bound human missile could be, after all, and for them to finally get their wish just to now find out the same guy who used to make like $50 million every time he stepped on the field for them is still going to be on their roster next year is one awfully tough horse pill to swallow.  Their only consolation?  Sanders has been wasting a spot on Indy’s roster for years now, so it’s not like this is anything new.  The guy’s played nine games in three seasons.  Almost 60% of his career has been spent on the bench.  Last year he went down after like two plays, for crying out loud.  It’s not like the Colts aren’t fully prepared to play minus a safety, nor does it really seem to affect them much, considering how successful they’ve been with or without Bob “The Hitman” in the lineup.  Peyton Manning is even overheard saying, “Oh okay, just keep doing what we’ve been doing for like the last five years now? That’s your burn?”  To which Dwight Freeney responds, “Yeah, okay, why don’t you throw in Jeff George too why you’re at it?  We need a new backup now anyway, don’t we?”  Or something like that.

12.  Aaron Maybin, LB

Team:  Kansas City Chiefs

Basis:  The final burn pick of the 2011 NFL Anti-Draft goes to the Kansas City Chiefs, whom the gutter teams see as more of a long-term threat than the other teams present.  With that in mind, then, they decide the best way to neutralize Kansas City, one of the youngest teams in the league, is to deal them the most fundamentally unsound specimen they can, in hopes the goofball might help steer the Chiefs’ impressionable, still-developing young stars into has-been duds with his bumbling, mesmerizing antics.  Since newborn baby giraffes aren’t considered eligible for selection, however, the losers will just have to settle for the next best thing:  Buffalo Bills linebacker Aaron Maybin, who was drafted 11th overall in the 2009 version of the normal draft and has since done little else to strengthen his resume any further beyond that.  Through two seasons, Maybin has so far started just one measly game and racked up all of 27 career tackles and not one single sack, and last year alone, the youngster was apparently so bad Buffalo didn’t even bother having him suit up for five whole games, even when perfectly healthy.  Maybin’s coach recently said he “hasn’t shown it in practice or in games” and has openly questioned how long the linebacker will even remain on the roster.  Ouch.  Luckily for Buffalo, then, this is one sticky situation they won’t have to deal with anymore thanks to the Anti-Draft, and, just to clarify that point, right after the selection is made sources reveal the Bills had actually been secretly trying to stick Maybin on someone the entire night.  “Better their team than ours,” Bills coach Chan Gailey mutters, after initially feigning disappointment.  “I just hope Jamaal Charles and Eric Berry and those guys pay extra close attention to their new teammate,” Gailey continues, now starting to really loosen up.  “It’s always nice to have a role model to look up to.”