Attending a recent Pirates game against the Phillies last weekend, I noticed a lot of new faces in the crowd.  Ok, I’m lying, Pittsburgh isn’t that small; but I don’t ever remember there being 30-plus people in line for anything but Beer or Primanti Bros, and I can say for sure I’ve never sat in a filled row of seats before this year.   It’s an exciting feeling, seeing more than a handful of people cheering for the Bucs at the end of a weeknight game.  The only problem?  It seems that my new friends, the same Pirate fans that haven’t been to a game since 

Andy Van Slyke hit in the three-hole, have forgotten some things about the game of baseball.  Don’t get me wrong, these aren’t the bandwagon fans that you might find in Seattle or Colorado.  Nope, these are merely the old folk of Pittsburgh whose bones were made of Louisville Lumber before Kevin McClatchy slowly sent them into baseball hibernation.  They’ve been to a game or two since ’94, but haven’t made it past the 4th inning without finishing both flasks of whiskey they snuck in to ease the pain.  Somehow they always make it out of the park with three extra bobble-heads and a souvenir mug.  Anyways, I thought I’d write a letter to our new friends that have decided not only to show up to more than one game a year, but also remain conscious for the majority of the event!

Dear Newly-Awakened Pirates Fans-

First of all, welcome back!  Haven’t seen you for a while and first and foremost, I’d like to express my joy in seeing one less empty blue  seat in my peripheral vision.  That being said, there are some things that you’ve seemed to forgotten about baseball fan etiquette at the ballpark.  I’ve bulleted some tips below as a friendly reminder-don’t take it personally, we’re all buccos fans here, but it’s a little embarrassing when opposing fans are behaving better than us at our own ballpark.

  • Please don’t arrive at the ballpark in the fourth inning. It’s not particularly encouraging for our young Pirates to see 100 people in the stands when they’re trying to get their offense going.  Why don’t you get to the game early, walk around, grab a bite to eat?  When all start rolling into the aisles halfway through the game, it makes it very difficult for the rest of us to actually watch the game.  That brings me to another point…

  • If you DO get to the game late, or you decide to jet away to buy a drink or some merchandise, wait until the inning break to make your whole row stand up to make way for you, your kid, and his recently purchased yellow foam finger-which brings me to another point…

  • Don’t buy your kid a yellow foam finger, because baseball is a game that gives away free souvenirs!  We’ve t-shirt and hot dog tosses, souvenir cups with free refills and free t-shirt Fridays! And don’t forget foul balls and home run shots-wow, these tips make their own transitions…

  • Stand up and catch that foul ball with your bare hand!  Don’t be the guy that lets the ball fly by and hit the innocent and distracted hot girl in the face while she’s taking pictures on her iphone.  Grab that ball barehanded and hand it to the nearest kid.  Or at least make sure it doesn’t get caught by an opposing fan…

  • One way to ensure that?  Don’t sell your ticket to a Phillies fan.  These guys have it easy enough, because the ticket window usually has plenty of tickets left anyways, but if we ever get to the point where PNC Park tickets are hard to find, make sure we’ve got those stands filled with black and gold.  Last week I heard way too many “Let’s Go Phillies” chants to retain my sanity….

  • So how about you start chanting for your own team!  “Let’s Go Bucs,” is the saying, and “Charrrrrrrrrge” is the cavalry call.  It’s simple right? How about you stand up and sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” mid-7th as well-the phrase is “root root root for the PIRATES.”

  • You don’t need to boo opposing players every time they come to the plate, especially if they are Hall of Fame players that have had standup careers.  Believe me, they know you don’t like them.  You don’t need to remind them 4 times a game.  The only exception to this rule?  Players that left our lovely franchise because they demanded a trade or took less money: Sore losers, that’s all they are.  (Seriously, you booed Roy Halladay every time he stepped up to the plate last Sunday.  Maybe it’s because you couldn’t sustain the booing for the entire 8 innings he was on the mound?)

  • If you bring a girl, you better be prepared to smooch with her on the kiss cam.  The just friends rule doesn’t apply on the jumbotron.  It’s now or never.

  • Every call against the Pirates is the wrong call.  Every call for the Pirates is the right call.  Just like Steelers games, get it?  Just scream “C’mon Blue!” and he’ll know he blew the call.

  • Yes, the price of beer inside the park is correct, so you should probably keep bringing those flasks.  That’s why we tailgate.

Follow these tips, and you’ll surely have an enjoyable time at the ballpark without embarrassing our fanbase or getting us the Bandwagon label.

From your new friend and fellow Pirate Fan,

Mike